I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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