I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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