So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
