On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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