I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
