My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just high enough for therapy.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
