Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
