Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
