I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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