your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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