My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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