Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
