My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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