Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
