I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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