Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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