Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
