There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
