Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
