He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
