he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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