K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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