It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
