apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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