Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
