This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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