john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
