We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
