Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
