she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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