oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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