I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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