During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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