I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Randomize
