You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
