I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's always time for handjobs
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
