i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
