new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
