well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
