I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
