Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
