Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize