Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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