Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
