Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
