he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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