It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We had sex on a dog bed..
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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