It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
