got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
