our cab driver is having phone sex.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
