You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
