I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
