just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
