i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
